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Sasquatch
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« Reply #12 on: November 24, 2008, 08:34:30 PM » |
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JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
Blonde baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..' -
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....
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Orange-SkyVolFan
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ROCKY TOP! Blount County, TN 10/25/09
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« Reply #13 on: November 25, 2008, 09:46:56 AM » |
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Dang, you guys remind me of the length of my, NCVol's, or Just Wins' posts--or Gray's cut and paste junk.
***
I guess you heard about the 82-year old lady who wanted a young thing. She had no luck, so she hired a detective who found her an 48-year old Aussie. On the wedding night, she was primping in the bathroom and heard loud noises in the bedroom. She peaked in and saw that her husband had moved all the furniture against the wall and had the bed on its side against the wall, too.
She screamed, "What are you doing?"
The smiling Aussie bridegroom replied, "Honey, if this is going to be like that Kangaroo, I want to be prepared!"
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"USC is an extremely powerful place."--Skippy Kiffin
"Basilio hitched his wagon to these ultra negative callers and that is why his shows don't do that well."--Ron
DANGERVOL summed [Basilio] up:
"The greatest quote in Knoxville radio history [was] when Kiffin was hired. Hyams was interviewing Pete Carroll - Basilio was talking to W. Lynn and Small Mike. Absolutely classic!"
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plumbervol
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« Reply #14 on: November 25, 2008, 06:31:52 PM » |
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Kudo's Osky  |
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 That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder". |
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rudedog
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« Reply #15 on: December 20, 2008, 09:10:11 PM » |
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Mexican Words of the Day
*Cheese* -- Maria likes me, but cheese too fat for me!
*Mushroom* -- When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
*Shoulder* -- My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
*Texas* -- My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
*Herpes* -- Me & my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
*July* -- Ju told me ju were going to that store & July to me! Julyer!
*Rectum* -- I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
*Chicken* -- My wife wants me to go to the store with her but chicken go herself.
*Wheelchair* -- We only have 1 enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.
*Harassment* -- My wife caught me in bed with another women & I told her, honey, harassment nothing to me.
*Bishop* -- My wife fell down the stairs so I had to pick the bishop.
*Body Wash * -- I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
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Go Big Orange!
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rudedog
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« Reply #16 on: December 21, 2008, 01:18:56 PM » |
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Heres one for Plumbervol!
> For those of you who slept through World History 101 here
> > is a condensed version. Humans originally existed as members
> > of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers They lived on
> > deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the
> > coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
> >
> > The two most important events in all of history were:
> > 1. The invention of beer, and
> > 2.The invention of the wheel.
> > The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer
> > to the man.
> >
> > These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization
> > and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity
> > into two distinct subgroups:
> >
> > 1. Liberals
> > 2. Conservatives.
> >
> > Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was
> > the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
> > aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans
> > were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they
> > just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
> > were formed.
> >
> > Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to
> > BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the
> > beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
> >
> > Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
> > learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the
> > nightly BBQ's and doing the writing, sewing, fetching,
> > entertaining and hair dressing. This was the beginning of
> > the Liberal movement.
> >
> > Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
> > The rest became known as girlie-men.
> > Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
> > domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and
> > group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the
> > concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the
> > meat and beer that conservatives provided.
> >
> > Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the
> > largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
> > Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
> > Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but
> > most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat
> > raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and
> > French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting
> > evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher
> > testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
> > personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
> > Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
> >
> > Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and
> > still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
> > hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction
> > workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
> > executives, athletes, and generally anyone who works
> > productively.. Conservatives who own companies hire other
> > conservatives who want to work for a living.
> >
> > Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
> > producers and decide what to do with the production.
> > Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than
> > Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
> > Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They
> > crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
> > business of trying to get more for nothing.
> >
> > Here ends today's lesson in world history.
> >
> > It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge
> > to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
> >
> > A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the
> > absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
> > immediately to other true believers, and to more
> > liberals...just to piss them off.
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Go Big Orange!
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The One Man Gang
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Thunderin' Jayzus! Didja think I was dead!?!?!
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« Reply #17 on: December 25, 2008, 09:02:12 AM » |
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New element added to the periodic table
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons, and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critial concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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Please use your comments on this post to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Kindly forgo all civility in your discourse. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Thank you.
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Sasquatch
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« Reply #18 on: December 29, 2008, 09:03:14 PM » |
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Why do fights start over simple words?
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, What's on TV?
I said, Dust.
And then the fight started...
==========
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
=========
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
=========
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
''My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
=========
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road And slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car,
looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
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plumbervol
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« Reply #19 on: January 02, 2009, 10:12:32 PM » |
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Good Stuff Sasquatch
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That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder". |
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The One Man Gang
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Legion of the Miserable
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Thunderin' Jayzus! Didja think I was dead!?!?!
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« Reply #20 on: January 03, 2009, 01:31:10 AM » |
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Good Stuff Sasquatch
And then the fight started ... /Hamilton/Ford/Petersen/ |
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Please use your comments on this post to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Kindly forgo all civility in your discourse. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Thank you.
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plumbervol
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« Reply #21 on: January 03, 2009, 05:27:16 AM » |
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started.....
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday - and then the fight started.
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That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder". |
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Sasquatch
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« Reply #22 on: January 03, 2009, 12:27:09 PM » |
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
And then the fight started.....
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plumbervol
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« Reply #23 on: January 07, 2009, 10:34:17 AM » |
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A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
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That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder". |
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