rudedog
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Whine and Biscuit King
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« Reply #128 on: October 05, 2011, 01:48:17 PM » |
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, 'I almost had an affair with another
woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you
mean, almost?'
The Irishman said,
'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing
together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see
that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman
left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment
and then started to leave..
The priest,
who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor
box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but
I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's
the same as putting it in!'
Lemon
Squeeze
There
once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess
your sins and be forgiven.'
The young
woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times.'
The priest
thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The
young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it
will wipe that smile off of your
face.'
Looks
of Disappointment
A
man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and
his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open
and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep
again.
His wife had never heard him say
that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later
his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The
wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was
now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened
to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The
drugs are wearing off.'
Catholic
Dog
Muldoon
lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to
the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead...
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm
afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the
church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'
Muldoon
said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the
service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed,
'Sweet Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was
Catholic?
Donation
Father
O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father
O'Malley?'
'It
is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help
us?'
'I can!'
'Do you
know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I
do!'
'Is he a member of your
congregation?'
'He
is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the
church?'
'He will.'
Confession
An
elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old,
have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel,
where I had sex with each of them three
times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your
sins?'
Man: 'What
sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic
are you?'
Man: 'I'm
Jewish.'
Priest: 'You’re Jewish, Why
are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92
years old ...... At my age, I'm telling
everybody!'
Trip to
the Brothel
An
elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would
like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks
at the ancient man and asks how old he
is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he
says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't
you realize you've had it?'
'Oh,
sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe
you?'
Senility
An
elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm
getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to
zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the
doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip
down.'
Pest
Control
A
woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector
from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were
carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived
home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the
woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in
the closet, stark naked.
The husband,
however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet...
'Who are
you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector
from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the
exterminator.
'What are you doing in
there?' the husband asked..
'I'm
investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,'
the man replied.
'And where are your
clothes?' asked the husband.
The man
looked down at himself and said, 'Those little
bastards!'
Marriage
Humour
Wife:
'What are you doing?'
Husband:
Nothing..
Wife: 'Nothing...?
You've been reading our marriage certificate
for an
hour.'
Husband: 'I
was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife :
'Do you want
dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure!
What are my choices?'
Wife:
'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress
Reliever
Girl: 'When
we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your
burden.'
Boy: 'It's
very kind of you, honey, but I don't have any worries or
troubles.'
Girl: 'Well
that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum,
when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a
lady.'
Mom: 'Well,
you have done the right
thing.'
Son: 'But
mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A
newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me
if my father hadn't left me a
fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied
sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU
A FORTUNE!'
A
wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my
pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to
toe and replied: 'I like your sense of
humour!'
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