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rudedog
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« Reply #24 on: January 17, 2009, 10:55:47 AM » |
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DuhVols and others probably have done these kinds of things.
Be
Careful Out There:
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.. The Sears repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made
at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a
1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's
not." Four is larger than two.."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk
a $5 bill. Our total was $4..25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you
gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know,
but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went
to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me
back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of
thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in
change..
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign
on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person
behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only
had iceburg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To
which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled
knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING
:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew
what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light
is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.. She was leaving the
company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We
should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at
each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at
Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff¢s office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING
When
my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were
told the keys had been locked in it. We went
to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician,
"it¢s open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS
STAY ALERT!
They walk among
us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they
REPRODUCE
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rudedog
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« Reply #25 on: January 17, 2009, 10:01:11 PM » |
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man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to
take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised
to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he
was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave
me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think
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rudedog
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« Reply #26 on: January 23, 2009, 01:24:39 PM » |
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Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
1.) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2.) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3.) Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4.) I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5.) Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car .
6.) There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7.) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8.) Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9.) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10.) I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11.) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
12.) My Reality Check bounced.
13.) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14.) I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15.) You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16.) Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17.) Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
18.) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
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rudedog
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« Reply #27 on: March 25, 2009, 10:14:43 PM » |
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Husband Store (updated)
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going..
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak...
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. More below
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Sasquatch
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« Reply #28 on: March 26, 2009, 09:17:53 AM » |
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Good ones rudedog. And oh so true.
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The One Man Gang
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Thunderin' Jayzus! Didja think I was dead!?!?!
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« Reply #29 on: March 27, 2009, 10:48:50 AM » |
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Please use your comments on this post to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Kindly forgo all civility in your discourse. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Thank you.
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Sasquatch
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« Reply #30 on: April 03, 2009, 01:53:59 PM » |
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A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.
The minister was not familiar with the backwoods area and soon became lost. The minister finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, stepped to the side of the open grave. There he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long, as he told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as the young minister began to pour out his heart and soul.
As he preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired him. So, he preached and preached like he had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelation. He finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to his car.
As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'
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plumbervol
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« Reply #31 on: April 27, 2009, 09:29:02 PM » |
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Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realised that the fourth guy has
not said a word.
So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the arse and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block.'
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 That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder". |
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The One Man Gang
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« Reply #32 on: May 01, 2009, 06:55:34 AM » |
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Topical:  |
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Please use your comments on this post to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Kindly forgo all civility in your discourse. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Thank you.
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The One Man Gang
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Thunderin' Jayzus! Didja think I was dead!?!?!
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« Reply #33 on: May 02, 2009, 11:54:34 PM » |
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Topical II:  |
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Please use your comments on this post to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Kindly forgo all civility in your discourse. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Thank you.
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rudedog
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« Reply #34 on: May 03, 2009, 06:45:45 PM » |
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Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
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plumbervol
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« Reply #35 on: May 05, 2009, 04:13:03 PM » |
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A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the
appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a Password.
Something he would use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather devilish mood
and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
obvious to his wife that he was keying in:
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied....
****** PASSWORD INVALID --------- NOT LONG ENOUGH
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That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder". |
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