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Commissar Mao tse-Cat
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« Reply #84 on: January 18, 2010, 01:05:25 AM » |
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« Last Edit: June 24, 2010, 07:08:46 AM by Commissar Mao tse-Cat »
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"I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody." - Supreme Comrade Barack Obama
"The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation." - Comrade V. I. Lenin
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plumbervol
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« Reply #85 on: January 21, 2010, 09:14:48 PM » |
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THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN
HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S
HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.
HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.
SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND
ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS
WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS..
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS
USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.
THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.
SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.
'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED..
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK
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 That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than 'try to be a little kinder.' Aldous Huxley |
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rudedog
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« Reply #86 on: January 22, 2010, 12:05:42 PM » |
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Home Remedies
THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE
TO HOLD THE VEGETABLESWHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEATBY USING
THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR
A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE
A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAPPLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE
AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT
TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
==========================================
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACEWHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
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rudedog
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« Reply #87 on: January 26, 2010, 09:26:30 PM » |
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I like #15
Subject: Good quotes
Some familiar, some not, read them all --- hoot
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Black Hawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
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plumbervol
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« Reply #88 on: January 27, 2010, 12:03:28 AM » |
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5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Somebody asked me why I kept calling Monte Kiffin a damn genuis, now you know!! The guy could not find his weiner in the dark and had a bad habit of getting lost in a closet. A pure brain damaged lug who his son is using to make himself rich. Monte is not a victim, he had it coming for all those years he was not around. |
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That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than 'try to be a little kinder.' Aldous Huxley |
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rudedog
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« Reply #89 on: January 30, 2010, 09:16:10 PM » |
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Come on Plumber. This is a joke thread and Monte is gone.  |
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rudedog
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« Reply #90 on: February 04, 2010, 12:31:11 PM » |
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea
and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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plumbervol
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« Reply #91 on: February 04, 2010, 02:05:09 PM » |
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Come on Plumber. This is a joke thread and Monte is gone.
Just commenting on a joke!!  |
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That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than 'try to be a little kinder.' Aldous Huxley |
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Commissar Mao tse-Cat
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People's Commisar of Seafood Testing
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« Reply #92 on: February 05, 2010, 12:21:16 AM » |
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Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my Bourbon
They are such a**holes ..
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"I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody." - Supreme Comrade Barack Obama
"The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation." - Comrade V. I. Lenin
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rudedog
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« Reply #93 on: February 24, 2010, 07:25:34 PM » |
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We miss Rodney Dangerfield because he said:
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips,
yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door.. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.'
I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen
the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on
I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex;
she called me from Chicago last night.
I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
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rudedog
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« Reply #94 on: March 02, 2010, 12:20:19 PM » |
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Classifieds
These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspapers - a few smiles for your day....
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
8-years old. Hateful little !#$@&. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out awhile.
Better be a big reward.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300..
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
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Commissar Mao tse-Cat
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People's Commisar of Seafood Testing
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« Reply #95 on: March 05, 2010, 12:14:47 PM » |
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"I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody." - Supreme Comrade Barack Obama
"The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation." - Comrade V. I. Lenin
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